She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
