you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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