And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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