The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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