my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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