so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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