That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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