i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
