Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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