The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
