Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
