I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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