last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
