i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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