do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
