Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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