Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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