I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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