Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
