I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
