dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
