ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
