She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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