someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
