Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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