woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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