I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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