im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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