He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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