We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
