im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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