On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
