Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
