I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
