i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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