and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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