We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
