I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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