Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
