It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
