we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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