mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
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his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
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the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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