pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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