i just sent this text using only my big toe
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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