My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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