so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
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Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
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I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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