But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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