Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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