you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
