well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
