I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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