my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
