Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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