you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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