I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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