I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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