im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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